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Tag:Humor
Posted on: March 5, 2009 5:08 pm
Edited on: March 5, 2009 5:11 pm
 

From where do women come?

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by th e largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in??and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, golfers and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be sent immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off. Me? I think it was a sophomoric attempt at humor. In other words, I laughed!

 

 

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self....

Category: NCAAB
Posted on: February 10, 2009 4:39 pm
 

The Leather Bodice and the Mask

<tbody>

Three ladies meet for lunch.  One is engaged, one is a mistress, and one has been married for 20+ years.  They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went:

The engaged woman said:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said,  'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then the married woman shared:

"When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said..."


"What's for dinner, Batman?"


Happy Valentine's Day boys.  I hope you remember the ladies in your life.  </tbody>
Category: NCAAF
Posted on: October 23, 2008 10:07 am
Edited on: October 25, 2008 2:04 pm
 

Shopping for lingerie in Paris, oui oui....

I was out yesterday enjoying some shopping.  I bought some wonderful lingerie to augment my collection.  Some was a little naughtier than normal but alas, why not. I stopped by a café to enjoy the sights and sounds of Paris. Ah shopping in Paris, new clothes, a wonderful cup of espresso can it get any better?  But then I picked up the Journal I purchased in the morning but had not gotten around to reading and I found this article in the Wall Street Journal by Adam Lerrick of Carnegie Mellon, a professor of economics (Oct 22, 2008).  It is the most frightening discussion I have yet read regarding our Country and its future tax system.  Before you read it I want you to remember the cornerstone reason for creating these United States of America.  For those who don’t recall, it was taxation without representation that drove the founding fathers to commit treason against the crown.  As you recall, England levied taxes on the colonies to the point of choking trade in the New World.   From Lerrick:  What happens when the voter in the exact middle of the earnings spectrum receives more in benefits from Washington than he pays in taxes? Economists Allan Meltzer and Scott Richard posed this question 27 years ago. We may soon know the answer.Obama is offering voters strong incentives to support higher taxes and bigger government. This could be the magic income redistribution formula Democrats have long sought.  Obama is promising $500 and $1000 gift wrapped packets of money in the form of refundable tax credits.  These will shift the tax demographics to the tipping point where half of the voters will receive a cash windfall from Washington and an overwhelming majority will gain from tax hikes and more government spending. In 2006 (the latest census data), 220 million Americans were elegible to vote and 89 million – 40% - paid no income taxes.  According to the Tax Policy Center (a joint venture of the Brookings Institution and the Urban Institute), this will jump to 49% when Mr. Obama’s cash credits remove 18 million more voters from the tax rolls.  What’s more, there are an additional 24 million taxpayers (11% of the electorate) who will pay a minimum amount of income taxes – less than 5% of their income. In all, three out of every five voters will pay little or nothing in income taxes under Obama’s plans and will gain when taxes rise on the 40% that already pays 95% of the income tax revenues. The plunder that the Democrats plan to extract from the “very rich” – the 5% that earn more than $250k and who already pay 60% of the federal income tax bill – will never stretch to cover the expansive programs Mr. Obama promises.  What next? A core group of Obama enthusiasts, those educated professionals who applaud “fairness” of their candidate’s tax plans – will soon see their $100,000-150,000 incomes targeted.  As entitlements expand and a self-interested majority votes, the higher tax brackets will kick in at lower levels down the ladder, all the way down to households with $75,000 income. Calculating how far a society’s top earners can be pushed before they stop or cut back on producing is difficult.  But the incentives are easy to see. Voters who benefit from government programs will push for higher tax rates on higher earners – at least until those who power the economy and create jobs and wealth stop working, stop investing, or move out of the country. Other nations have tried the ideology of fairness in the place of incentives and fount that reward without work is a recipe for decline. Margaret Thatcher took on the unions and slashed taxes to restore growth in Great Britain. In Germany, Social Democrat Gerhard Schroeder defied his party’s dogma and loosened labor’s grip on the economy to end stagnation.  And more recently in France, Sarkozy was swept to power on a platform of restoring flexibility to the economy.  The sequence is always the same. High-tax, big spending policies force the economy to lose momentum.  Then growth in government spending outstrips revenues. Fiscal and trade deficits soar. Public debt, excessive taxation and unemployment follow.  Central Banks try to solve the problem by printing more money.  International competitiveness is lost and the currency depreciates. The system stagnates.  And then a frightened electorate returns conservatives to power. -----------------------------------
-----------------------------------
-------- Anyone feel like they are being taxed without representation yet?  I need to go back to the hotel and don my new clothes, maybe that will improve my mood.
Posted on: October 22, 2008 8:53 am
 

Biden: President to be tested, will appear wrong!

Please tell me how O'Bidens latest gaff is not front page fodder for every newspaper in America.  Let's see -

He can assure us that the Obama- Biden administration will be tested in the first 6 months by a global crisis like JFK was and at first his decision will appear wrong.His words - not mine though I did paraphrase abit because I don't have the exact quote here in Socialist France.  A history lesson - JFK was perceived as weak and untested by Kruschev (USSR) so the Russian leader decided to test him.  The result was the brink of nuclear war between the superpowers.  Cuban missile crisis, et al.  Do your own homework.

So back to Joe Gaffmachine.  Does he know something?  Is there an impending situation only he knows about?  I am sure the press is asking that question right?  No. 

How about this question, then.  Sen. Biden, are you saying that Obama is viewed as inexperienced and weak by the outside world? No question from the media, what gives here?

A follow up then.  Why are you so confident your decision will appear wrong? Please tell me that question was raised by the 4th estate?

This goes back to the primary season when Biden called Obama unqualified.  I can only assume he still believes that his future boss is unqualified given that ridiculous quote.

So to you folks seriously considering voting for the smooth polished Obama and Joe Gaff, stop and ask yourself the questions the media is not.  Do you really want an untested person running the country in a time of crisis?

And don't give me the Palin rhetoric.  She is not the top of the ticket like BHO is.

Back to my meeting....

 

Category: NCAAF
Posted on: October 14, 2008 2:46 pm
 

Back in the USSA

Reporting live from here in the newly minted United Socialist States of America, I'm Katie Communist.  Everything is well.  Your government is pleased to inform you that lines in the healthcare system have reduced to less than 220 days to first treatment citing the noble deaths on behalf of the mother land by the capitalist folks in the New Moscow financial district due to the dreaded capitalist influenza virus.  There is no truth to the heinous rumour the government pushed any of the capitalists out of the window to their deaths.

In other news, your government thanks you all for agreeing to pay more rent for your apartments.  The Socialist Banks have agreed to accept your generosity and will use your funds for the betterment of all of your fellow comrades.

In the rebellious South, Nationalist forces have succeeded in gathering up over 1 million guns from religious seperatists opposing the new laws prohibiting worship in pagan religions.  Surveilance records showed several militant religious groups known as Baptists of the Confederacy were in violation of the National firearm and religious laws passed by the Politburo in Marxington last year.  Reports of fighting in the seizure were not true and no soldiers were injured in the event.

A newly minted currency will be introduced next year called the Socio.  It will replace the aging dollar which has fallen in value on the open market after being attacked relentlessly by evil capitalists.  The new Socio can be obtained at a rate of 1 S to every $1480.  Your government promises bread will not cost more than 1 S each in 2010.

Premier Obama announced yesterday that he intended to continue the will of the people by redistributing wealth from the capitalists who have an unfair amount of money. 

In sports, Japan won the Worlds Series over Cuba four games to two, with a 7-4 victory, yesterday. 

 

Wake up America, this nightmare can be prevented.

  • Government owns the banks
  • Government wants to control the healthcare system
  • Government controls schools/education
  • Government controls social security (etitlement)
  • Government has the Patriot Act and can look in on anything you do.
  • Barack said yesterday to a plummer he wants to redistribute the wealth in this country!

This is SOCIALISM !!!!!  No other word for it.

Category: General
Posted on: July 14, 2008 2:44 pm
 

Wordsmitheration

An ode to English plurals


We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
 
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
 
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
 
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
 
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
 
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
 
If the plural of man is always called men,
 
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
 
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
 
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
 
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
 
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
 
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
 
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
 
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
 
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
 
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
 
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
 
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
 
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
 
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
 
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
 
English muffins weren't invented in England .
 
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
 
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
 
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
 
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
 
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
 
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
 
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
 
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
 
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
 
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
 
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
 
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
 
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
 
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
 
in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
 
And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

Category: General
 
 
 
 
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